Poem: When life gives you melons
Boobs! I’ve got some of those!
And generally, to some degree or manner we
All have some version or semblance of mammaries
It’s kinda the deal with several living mammals
From me and my GGs to four-breasted camels
Then humanity went and made them all rude!
And decided to give other meanings to boobs
Besides making milk: their main gig in fertility
Now our boobs have all sorts of responsibilities
Such as, quite simply, wearing sexy bras
Or bouncing in slow-mo attached to film stars
But there are certain rules that boobs must abide
Don’t be too big OR small, and don’t try to hide!
Be confident, boobs! But not out all the time
Be classy, boobs! And only out in your prime!
Then put them away forever! Or in a wrap dress
With appropriate cleavage as to not cause distress
My boobs are the type that can cause such scandal
By being too big for society to handle
I met them in Year Six, a crop top in P.E
Someone yelled “you’ve got boobs!” and the rest was history
At that point, my main reference for these laced crusaders
Were Lara Croft’s triangle ones in Tomb Raider
But mine felt like misshapen wobbly schnitzels
While Lara did back flips with non-bouncy pixels
Ever since, every day has been a brand new delight
In this world, boobs are viewed as historical sites
One time, with the subtlety of a crashed UFO
A man pointed at me and screamed “HEY, LOOK AT THOSE”
Because people decide boobs are your personality
Like a saucy cartoon where their chests defy gravity
And we’re an attraction for people to ogle
Mate I’m not Betty Boop, I’d rather play Boggle!
I just can’t be bothered being Marilyn Monroe
Going ‘oops!’ whenever some chest is on show
I just want to live my life, maybe in something tailored
Not winking, in a halter neck going, “ooh, ‘ello sailor!”
Is it a crime to want peace in a shirt that fits?
It’s a pain to contain the terrain of these (tits)
It’s just a bit awkward having bosoms so globular
Pulsating with veins that would freak out Count Dracula
By the way, why is literally every dress backless?
If I forego a bra, I look like an old mattress
Spaghetti strap tops? Also out of the question
Getting my girls in those creates serious congestion
So, what to do when life doesn’t give lemons?
And says ‘Soz, we’re sold out — but how about melons?”
Because when life gives you melons, nobody thinks ‘Yay!’
‘My favourite fruit!’ — because they’re not. That’s okay
So today, I ask you all to celebrate boobs!
Be they too big or small, triangles or cubes
Because they are here, despite my protests
And life is much more than just bountiful breasts
Having a body is just weird. In various ways!
But they still host us bitching about them every day
So thank you boobs. Now get in this fuller bust vest.
Hope you understand it’s just nice to get this off my chest.
