Poem: Sad Little Guys
Have you ever simply sat alone in the dark
Eating a Dairylea triangle like a sad shark?
Good for you. Who needs a stint at Oxbridge
When you made it all the way to the fridge
Without crying! That in itself is a win
You have vanquished your self-saboteur from within
And said “No” — today I won’t back down with ease”
“Today I will sit down. And eat pointy cheese”
Did you ever have anxiety at university
So stayed home playing The Sims 2: University?
Improving the lives of your cute pixel friends
Rather than achieving your own actual ends?
Good for you, for I did exactly that thing
And look at me now. I am a king
The king of wellness and hashtag self care
King of staring at walls and…just sitting… there
Do you ever scroll Twitter, feeling empty inside
Aimlessly ‘like’ing, like part of you died?
Well for what it’s worth, I’ve got news for you
Everyone else is doing that too!
Hey, are you Googling symptoms for something
Again, at 2 o’ clock in the morning?
Nice work. We are indeed all going to die
But you’ll know exactly of what, when and why!
So this poem’s for you, the Sad Little Guys,
Who are just very tired, with big puffy eyes
Not reading that book that you started last week
Really fucking up your Duolingo streak
But you’re valid! Just ‘cos you’re not on the ‘Gram
Posting your nondescript holiday spam
Does not mean you are not a real, actual person!
Don’t let anyone try to cast such aspersions
You could go on holiday if you wanted to!
You’re just busy right now, watching YouTube
Videos called “Top 10 murderers who never got caught!”
That’s totally cool and not super fraught!
Do you ever just get a Whatsapp ping
And realise you have not one single thing
To say back, so you leave it, then feel super bad?
Hey that’s fine, do not let an app make you sad
Just think: the word app is in ‘happy’, right?
That’s just science. So turn off that glowy phone light
And just lie in the dark. You have no one to please
Be strong, and get yourself more pointy cheese
This poem’s for you, the Sad Little Guys,
With crumbs in the bed, waiting for sunrise
Go on. Have one more hour on Wikipedia
It’s only 3am, replace dreams with more media!
Why not? The world is a futile old place
Might as well just give up and stare into space
IMO. Might as well just not wash your hair
Buying shampoo is capitalism so like, why care?
All the cool movie characters are ALSO depressed
Staying in bed is chic. Don’t attempt to get dressed
That’s fashion. Going out on the town is generic
All the kids are on TikTok miming sad song lyrics
This poem’s for you, the Sad Little Guys,
Scrolling through ASOS for sad little buys
Is it worth giving life some sad little try?
When you could stay at home doing sad little cries?
Or a sad little walk, doing sad little sighs
Drifting into McDonalds eating sad little fries
That’s right, we’re doing a sad little reprise
‘Cos life’s a bit samey when you’re a sad guy
But I promise we’re all Sad Little Guys together
Trying to get through the day, whatever the weather
Unless, like, it’s raining, in which case forget it
But the day after that, we’ll log off from Reddit
We’ll make banana bread like everyone else
And then be the picture of good mental health
So this poem’s for you, my Sad Little Guys
We’re gonna Live Laugh Love until we Live Laugh Die!
