Poem: Just text me instead
It’s good to really talk. It’s good to really chat.
To connect, to bond, to weld. Anything like that
How do you think we got so far in life? Communication.
Alright, and fire, opposable thumbs and just general gestation
But talking’s definitely a big one on that very useful list
The miracle of language is really not to be missed
Just talking to someone is a valuable thing to do!
But there’s always one who ruins it by… actually trying to call you
Just text me instead Just text me instead!
Don’t want to hear your voice if I’m being given the choice
Just text me instead Just text me instead!
For the love of god, please text me instead!
Oh you thought I meant talking, as in to actually chat
No. Technology’s advanced so I no longer have to do that
And probably for other reasons, but mostly for my fear
Of having someone infiltrate my poor innocent ear
Sure, phone calls are just great if you adore those awkward silences
Or partaking in small-talk trying to buy kitchen appliances
Or not hearing someone properly and agreeing to something bad
Or cancelling your gym subscription and making Gym Man sad
But we have the internet now. So… what are we doing?
It’s probably why Tim Berners-Lee invented the whole thing
So we could order pizza silently — instead of down a phone
Choosing toppings is a sacred task that must be done alone
Who actually calls anymore? Who actually is that guy?
Apart from that one bloke who loves mis-selling PPI
You’ve seen The Ring and Scream. Those phone calls don’t end well
Thanks a massive bunch, Alexander Graham Bell.
I just can’t talk to people on phones. My mouth just goes all dry
You end up saying, ‘love you, mum’ to the home insurance guy
See, if silence is golden, maybe talking is like… zinc
Sorry, I don’t know much about metals.
Can’t we replace call centres with something more fulfilling?
Like text centres, or better yet — entirely empty buildings
Can’t the tax people just Whatsapp me asking me for more money?
Sure, bleed me dry and don’t say why — but use the dollar emoji
So some circumstances still require vocal compromising
Like breaking up a relationship — sure, that need verbalising
But I am sure they’ll find a way to stop doing that too
Like Star Wars style break-up holograms stored in R2D2
That would be better, wouldn’t it? Darling, this has to end.
I’ve been sleeping with your brother. Here’s a brand-new robot friend!
See. No talking required. Sends the message nice and clear
A robot buddy at your side, and no need to hear the tears
All I’m asking for is a world without any more conference calls
A world that got along just fine with paintings on cave walls
Let’s face it, we’ve evolved past having to talk anymore
And if somebody dies? Well, that’s what sky-writing’s for.
So just text me instead Just text me instead
Don’t want to hear your voice if I’m being given the choice
Just text me instead Just text me instead
For the love of god, please text me instead
Or I will ignore you and probably Google the number later
Thank you :)
